How to Get to Mars

A Technical Guide

 

It is my humblest opinion that getting to Mars is not only possible, but EASY!  In this technical guide, I will show you how to get to Mars using all current technology available to us.

 

STEP 1 - Envisioning the Plan

A. Take a good look at the night sky.  If it's day where you are, this background will do good enough.

B. Smell the night air.  If it's day, wait until night to do this step.

C. Tell yourself, "I'm going to get to Mars!"

D. Draw a map of yourself from your current location getting to Mars.

 

STEP 2 - Designing the Rocket Ship

In order to get to Mars, we're going to need to build a rocket ship (obviously!).  The math looks complicated...

But don't worry about it.  Just follow the steps below and you'll do fine.

A. Get a long       w     i     d      e        cylinder.  You'll have to go to your supply store and buy out their whole inventory pretty much unless you want to be trapped like a sardine on your trip there!

B. Get two metal shards to serve as the fins on the sides of the ship.  Again, you'll need large ones so the ship can stabilize as you break through the atmospheric barrier surrounding the earth.

C. Get some fireproof rubber and cut it into O-rings.  These will serve as padding for your thrusters so they don't burn off during take off.

D. Finally, get some insulating spray foam and industrial strength super-glue and assemble your rocket ship!  When you're done it should look like this:

NOTE:  Image not drawn to scale.  I drew blue stripes on mine to make it look cool :-P

 

STEP 3 - Go to Your Nearest Space Agency Parking Lot

Phew, now the hard part's done!  OK now all we have to do is go to your nearest space agency parking lot.

A. Locate your nearest space agency parking lot in the telephone book and write down their address.

B. Get to the parking lot.  If security asks what you're doing there, just tell them you've brought your own ship.  Don't be afraid to show it off if necessary!  They'll let you through.

C. Board your rocket.  Since you're providing your own transportation, the use of the parking lot as liftoff will be free.

 

STEP 4 - Blast off and go to Mars!

Once you're settled in, press that big red BLASTOFF button (you did remember to install that right?!) and sit back as the thrusters kick into high gear and send you off to Mars!  Depending on the quality of the components you got and the amount of luggage you're bringing, your time to Mars may vary.  Once you arrive, disembark and congratulations!  You've made it to Mars!  I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE EASY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's that?  The guards turned you away saying that "civvies" can't possibly have rocket ships and attempted to arrest you when you tried to show them?

 

Ok, time for plan B.

 

PLAN B - Getting to Mars

In order to get to Mars you'll need the following things:

1. Go to the nearest auto association member club and ask them for a map of the United States.

2. Look on the map and locate Mars.  In the United States, it turns out there are several Mars's (Marses?).  They are:

3. Go to whichever one is closest to you.  Congratulations, you made it to Mars!

 

<--- Back to ENGL 203 Directory